Dynamos Extend Lead

Da Nang Dynamos further asserted their dominance Thursday - they entered the day in first place and closed the day having scored a league-high 37.5 points.  Three more golds for Team USA swimming led the charge, and the Dynamos were also helped by South Korea's 12.5-point gold medal in women's archery.

Golden Girls, who got another gold from Italy's fencing team but didn't do much else, remain in second.  The Dynamos' Achillies flaw, though, could end up being the fact that swimming competition ends after Saturday.  Athetics will dominate the schedule, and there's no home field advantage in pure athletics.

Paragons had the only other 30-point day, moving into third on the strength of China's gold and silver in table tennis.

STANDINGS THROUGH THURSDAY, AUGUST 2

1.  John Binz, Da Nang Dynamos
160.6 Points
Swimming 92.7 (11G, 7S, 5B)
Archery 28.1 (2G, 1B)
Judo 14.2 (2G)
Fencing 12.5 (2S, 1B)
Gymnastics 7 (2S, 1B)
Diving 6.2 (2S)
Rowing 3.6 (1S)
Canoeing 3.2 (2B)
Table Tennis 3.1 (1B)

2.  Theresa Yerger, Golden Girls
129.2 Points
Weightlifting 33.4 (4G, 2S)
Fencing 32.5 (2G, 2S, 1B)
Diving 25.2 (4G)
Shooting 21.7 (2G, 2S, 1B)
Rowing 7.2 (2S)
Equestrian 4.2 (1S)
Judo 3.6 (1S)
Gymnastics 1.4 (1B)

3.  Dave Spence, Paragons
95.1 Points
Table Tennis 37.6 (2G, 2S)
Shooting 13.4 (2G)
Rowing 10.7 (1G, 1S)
Canoeing 9.4 (1G, 1S)
Swimming 8.8 (1G, 1S)
Judo 7.2 (2S)
Archery 6.3 (1S)
Weightlifting 1.7 (1B)

4.  Lucas Tanglen, Postmodern Pentathlon
91 Points
Equestrian 18.7 (2G, 1B)
Swimming 16.3 (2S, 7B)
Shooting 13.4 (2G)
Canoeing 12.6 (2G)
Cycling 12.6 (1G, 2S, 1B)
Judo 10.7 (1G, 2B)
Archery 6.3 (1S)
Gymnastics 1.4 (1B)

5.  Brian Schwartz, The Jim Thorpes
84.7 Points
Swimming 23.4 (1G, 5S, 2B)
Judo 19.7 (1G, 2S, 3B)
Fencing 12.5 (1G, 1B)
Rowing 8.9 (1G, 1B)
Diving 6.3 (1S, 2B)
Canoeing 4.7 (1S, 1B)
Weightlifting 3.3 (1S)
Gymnastics 2.8 (1S)
Shooting 1.7 (1B)
Cycling 1.4 (1B)

6.  Christina Binz, Zurich Zebras
72.4 Points
Weightlifting 21.8 (2G, 1B)
Gymnastics 12.6 (2G, 1B)
Archery 12.5 (1G)
Judo 7.1 (1G)
Fencing 5 (1S)
Swimming 4.4 (1S, 1B)
Canoeing 3.1 (1S)
Table Tennis 3.1 (1B)
Cycling 2.8 (1S)

7.  Craig Emmert, Chariots of Fire
63.5 Points
Swimming 19.1 (2G, 2G, 1B)
Judo 14.3 (1G, 4B)
Rowing 8.9 (1G, 1B)
Shooting 6.6 (2S)
Gymnastics 5.6 (1G)
Equestrian 4.2 (1S)
Diving 3.1 (1S)
Weightlifting 1.7 (1B)

8.  Ellis Kunka, Los Cornballers
41.9 Points
Cycling 15.4 (2G, 1S, 1B)
Rowing 12.5 (1G, 1S, 1B)
Gymnastics 8.4 (1G, 1S)
Equestrian 2.1 (1B)
Judo 1.8 (1B)
Shooting 1.7 (1B)

Paragons Regain Respectability

On the same day when they had two athletes thrown out of the Olympics for intentionally losing a match, Paragons got back in the race with Wednesday's best performance by any team.  China took the gold and silver in women's table tennis singles, and Paragons also benefitted from gold and silver medals in men's rowing.  Da Nang Dynamos and Golden Girls continued to be the class of the league.

STANDINGS THROUGH WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 1

1.  John Binz, Da Nang Dynamos
123.1 Points
Swimming 70.6 (8G, 6S, 4B)
Archery 15.6 (1G, 1B)
Judo 14.2 (2G)
Fencing 7.5 (1S, 1B)
Diving 6.2 (2S)
Rowing 3.6 (1S)
Gymnastics 2.8 (1S)
Canoeing 1.6 (1B)

2.  Theresa Yerger, Golden Girls
115.6 Points
Weightlifting 33.4 (4G, 2S)
Diving 25.2 (4G)
Fencing 22.5 (1G, 2S, 1B)
Shooting 21.7 (2G, 2S, 1B)
Equestrian 4.2 (1S)
Judo 3.6 (1S)
Rowing 3.6 (1S)
Gymnastics 1.4 (1B)

3.  Brian Schwartz, The Jim Thorpes
74.5 Points
Swimming 23.4 (1G, 5S, 2B)
Judo 19.7 (1G, 2S, 3B)
Fencing 12.5 (1G, 1B)
Diving 6.3 (1S, 2B)
Weightlifting 3.3 (1S)
Canoeing 4.7 (1S, 1B)
Gymnastics 2.8 (1S)
Rowing 1.8 (1B)

4.  Lucas Tanglen, Postmodern Pentathlon
71.1 Points
Equestrian 18.7 (2G, 1B)
Shooting 13.4 (2G)
Swimming 10.5 (7B)
Judo 8.9 (1G, 1B)
Archery 6.3 (1S)
Canoeing 6.3 (1G)
Cycling 5.6 (2S)
Gymnastics 1.4 (1B)

5.  Dave Spence, Paragons
61 Points
Table Tennis 18.8 (1G, 1S)
Shooting 13.4 (2G)
Rowing 10.7 (1G, 1S)
Judo 7.2 (2S)
Archery 6.3 (1S)
Swimming 2.9 (1S)
Weightlifting 1.7 (1B)

6.  Christina Binz, Zurich Zebras
60.9 Points
Weightlifting 21.8 (2G, 1B)
Archery 12.5 (1G)
Judo 7.1 (1G)
Gymnastics 7 (1G, 1B)
Fencing 5 (1S)
Swimming 4.4 (1S, 1B)
Table Tennis 3.1 (1B)

7.  Craig Emmert, Chariots of Fire
54.6 Points
Swimming 19.1 (2G, 2G, 1B)
Judo 12.5 (1G, 3B)
Shooting 6.6 (2S)
Gymnastics 5.6 (1G)
Equestrian 4.2 (1S)
Diving 3.1 (1S)
Rowing 1.8 (1B)
Weightlifting 1.7 (1B)

8.  Ellis Kunka, Los Cornballers
32.7 Points
Cycling 9.8 (1G, 1S, 1B)
Rowing 8.9 (1G, 1B)
Gymnastics 8.4 (1G, 1S)
Equestrian 2.1 (1B)
Judo 1.8 (1B)
Shooting 1.7 (1B)

Emmert Anounces Team Name

In an ill-fated attempt to leap to the top tier of teams along with the Dynamos and Golden Girls, Craig Emmert has named his team "Chariots of Fire."  I never figured out why this track and field movie was named after chariots.

Craig's Team will heretoforth be known as "Chariots of Fire."  Jersey sales should be brisk.  This site will eventually perform a Stalin-like wiping of all previous mentions of the defunct team name.

Zebras-Led Conspiracy Disgraces Sport

On the surface, the Fantasy Olympics are nothing but a lighthearted game among friends.  But a dark and seamy underworld lurks not far beneath - an underworld which can't easily be glossed over by a brightly colored blog.  How disappointing that even our fantasy world can be plagued with the same widespread corruption, underhanded dealing, and self-serving machismo that we normally only see in the real world.  I refer, of course, to the shameful actions of three of our Fantasy Olympic teams.

In the badminton tournament, it is possible to qualify for the medal rounds with one match to go in pool play. Several women's doubles teams achieved this, meaning Tuesday's matches were only for seeding.  Postmodern Pentathlon manager Lucas Tanglen was desperate to take both the gold and silver, meaning Chinese teams needed to qualify on each side of the bracket.  This could only happen if Wang Xiaoli and Yu Yang lost, so Tanglen ordered them to tank the match.

Not to be outdone, Zurich Zebras manager Christina Binz told her South Korean team to try to lose the match as well.  That a Switzerland-based team would use a top 50 overall pick on badminton was always inexplicable...it now became nefarious.  At least the Chinese succeeded in losing the match.

Binz now needed her other South Korean team to lose to prevent both of her teams from meeting in the quarterfinals.  So she doubled down, ordering Ha Jung-eum and Kim Min-jung to blow the next match against Indonesia.  But Paragons manager Dave Spence, failing to live up to his sanctimonious team name, told the Indonesians to lose as well.  Binz's squad once again failed at failling as Indonesia lost.

Everything came to a head today when all eight players involved in the scandal were booted from the Olympics.  The South Koreans appealed but their appeal was denied.  Finally they had managed to lose.

"I think it's really important they do something about it, because we've been seeing it a lot, Los Cornballers badminton competitor Christinna Pederson (Denmark) told reporters.  "It's a shame for our sport that all of us love so much.  I can't believe they could do it at the Olympics.  It's such a shame."

"The extra 'n' I have over Christina Binz may be pointless," Pederson continued, "but the extra integrity is not."

USA Swimming Puts Dynamos In First

Da Nang Dynamos moved into first place in the Fantasy Olympics Tuesday as USA Swimming continued to dominate the medal count.  The Dynamos edged out Golden Girls for the overall lead by picking up eight overall medals, including medals in all four of the day's swimming events.  After golds from Alison Schmitt (women's 200 freestyle) and the men's 4x200 freestyle relay team, USA Swimming now has earned more fantasy points than all but two entire teams.  Schmitt now has three medals at the Olympics.  By the 2016 Rio games she will no longer need to use a mug shot as her official picture.

Postmodern Pentathlon had the second-biggest day, picking up 26.5 points thanks mostly to Germany's sweep of the equestrian events.  Had manager Lucas Tanglen not blown the first overall pick, the USA swimming points and first place would be his.  It's a small consolation indeed for a former newspaper copy editor to win two medals in something called "Individual Eventing."

A bronze medal from New Zealand's equestrian team moved Los Cornballers into double digits in points.  The reason that the defending champions have yet to win a gold is obvious based on this picture of Cornballers tennis stars Ana Ivanovic and Novac Djokovic, which was just posted to Ivanovic's Facebook fan page.  "I'm going to enjoy playing as a team with Novak in January," Ivanovic wrote. Clearly the Cornballers have no respect for their coaching staff and are just in London for sex.

STANDINGS THROUGH TUESDAY, JULY 31

1.  John Binz, Da Nang Dynamos
95.6 Points
Swimming 58.8 (6G, 6S, 4B)
Archery 15.6 (1G, 1B)
Judo 7.1 (1G)
Diving 6.2 (2S)
Gymnastics 2.8 (1S)
Fencing 2.5 (1B)
Canoeing 1.6 (1B)

2.  Theresa Yerger, Golden Girls
92.4 Points
Weightlifting 23.4 (3G, 1S)
Fencing 22.5 (1G, 2S, 1B)
Diving 18.9 (3G)
Shooting 18.4 (2G, 1S, 1B)
Equestrian 4.2 (1S)
Judo 3.6 (1S)
Gymnastics 1.4 (1B)

3.  Brian Schwartz, The Jim Thorpes
59.1 Points
Judo 17.9 (1G, 2S, 2B)
Swimming 17.6 (1G, 3S, 2B)
Fencing 12.5 (1G, 1B)
Diving 4.7 (1S, 1B)
Weightlifting 3.3 (1S)
Canoeing 3.1 (1S)

4.  Lucas Tanglen, Postmodern Pentathlon
55.8 Points
Equestrian 18.7 (2G, 1B)
Judo 8.9 (1G, 1B)
Shooting 6.7 (1G)
Archery 6.3 (1S)
Canoeing 6.3 (1G)
Swimming 7.5 (5B)
Gymnastics 1.4 (1B)

5.  Christina Binz, Zurich Zebras
46.8 Points
Weightlifting 15.1 (1G, 1B)
Archery 12.5 (1G)
Judo 7.1 (1G)
Gymnastics 5.6 (1G)
Fencing 5 (1S)
Swimming 1.5 (1B)

6.  Craig Emmert, Craig's Team
41.1 Points
Swimming 17.6 (2G, 2G)
Shooting 6.6 (2S)
Gymnastics 5.6 (1G)
Judo 5.4 (3B)
Equestrian 4.2 (1S)
Weightlifting 1.7 (1B)

7.  Dave Spence, Paragons
26.2 Points
Shooting 13.4 (2G)
Archery 6.3 (1S)
Judo 3.6 (1S)
Swimming 2.9 (1S)

8.  Ellis Kunka, Los Cornballers
11.2 Points
Cycling 2.8 (1S)
Gymnastics 2.8 (1S)
Equestrian 2.1 (1B)
Judo 1.8 (1B)
Shooting 1.7 (1B)

USA Swimming Leads Dynamos Charge

The third day of Fantasy Olympic competition belonged to Da Nang Dynamos, who pulled within seven points of first behind four medals from the USA Swimming team and one from Mexico diving.  Team USA took gold  in both the men's and women's 100 meter backstroke.

By winning the women's backstroke finals only 14 minutes after her semifinal heat, Missy Franklin became the first 17-year-old Colorado high school student in 13 years to gain worldwide fame in under 30 minutes.

Despite the Dynamos' big day, Golden Girls held onto first place when the Chinese diving and weightlifting teams each won their second gold medal of the Games.  "Consider it one-eighth of a Women's 58kg Weightlifting gold medal for every team in the Fantasy Olympics," said Golden Girls manager Theresa Yerger as she briefly looked up from a copy of Quotations from Chairman Mao.

Farther down in the standings, Los Cornballers continued to languish in last place despite a Pyrrhic victory gained when their manager Ellis Kunka successfully challenged the scoring in men's team gymnastics. Japan wound up with a silver medal, meaning Los Cornballers now only trail by 61.1 points.  Kunka was reportedly inspired by the time John Russell was thrown out of a Pirates-Brewers game in August 2008.

STANDINGS THROUGH MONDAY, JULY 30

1.  Theresa Yerger, Golden Girls
70.2 Points
Fencing 22.5 (1G, 2S, 1B)
Shooting 18.4 (2G, 1S, 1B)
Weightlifting 16.7 (2G, 1S)
Diving 12.6 (2G)

2.  John Binz, Da Nang Dynamos
63.8 Points
Swimming 42.6 (4G, 5S, 3B)
Archery 15.6 (1G, 1B)
Diving 3.1 (1S)
Fencing 2.5 (1B)

3.  Christina Binz, Zurich Zebras
41.2 Points
Weightlifting 15.1 (1G, 1B)
Archery 12.5 (1G)
Judo 7.1 (1G)
Fencing 5 (1S)
Swimming 1.5 (1B)

4.  Brian Schwartz, The Jim Thorpes
36.5 Points
Swimming 13.2 (1G, 2S, 1B)
Judo 16.1 (1G, 2S, 1B)
Diving 4.7 (1S, 1B)
Fencing 2.5 (1B)

T-5.  Craig Emmert, Craig's Team
29.3 Points
Swimming 11.8 (2G)
Shooting 6.6 (2S)
Gymnastics 5.6 (1G)
Judo 3.6 (2B)
Weightlifting 1.7 (1B)

T-5.  Lucas Tanglen, Postmodern Pentathlon
29.3 Points
Judo 8.9 (1G, 1B)
Shooting 6.7 (1G)
Archery 6.3 (1S)
Swimming 6 (4B)
Gymnastics 1.4 (1B)

7.  Dave Spence, Paragons
19.5 Points
Shooting 6.7 (1G)
Archery 6.3 (1S)
Judo 3.6 (1S)
Swimming 2.9 (1S)

8.  Ellis Kunka, Los Cornballers
9.1 Points
Cycling 2.8 (1S)
Gymnastics 2.8 (1S)
Judo 1.8 (1B)
Shooting 1.7 (1B)

An Unlikely Road To Stardom

Chinese table tennis player Ding Ning, who is favored to win two gold medals in London, admitted today that she learned the sport while drunk in the basement of the Tau Kappa Epsilon house at Heilongjiang University.

Dave Spence chose the Chinese table tennis team with his first round pick - apparently unaware that in northeast China, "hard work and dedication" is just a synonym for "Goldschläger and poor taste in men."   Fantasy Summer Olympics Blog has obtained this photo of the hallowed training ground.

Ning dated one of the Tekes for two years, if "dating" consists of playing ping-pong and Spades in that disgusting basement and then walking home unsatisfied when your boyfriend passes out drunk on Milwaukee's Best Ice.  But her boyfriend seemed to be maturing and even surprised her with a trip to the Netherlands after spring semester finals in 2011.  She was certain he would propose to her during the vacation - but it turned out that the idiot had only brought her to Rotterdam to control her into competing in the World Table Tennis Championships.

Ning won the individual gold medal and a team silver, which empowered her to break up with that dick and refuse to be on his team for the mixed doubles tournament.  Back on campus, she subsequently dated two other TKE brothers to make her ex jealous.  The Tekes are the only house that plays ping-pong instead of beer pong, so her skills continued to improve and she is now ranked #1 in the ITTF World Rankings.

Ning, 22, is hopeful that this won't be her last Olympics:   Kappa Alpha Psi has an air hockey table and she expects this Justin guy to text her back before the 2014 Sochi Games.