The Jim Thorpes Roster

Manager: Brian Schwartz

Round 1 Pick 7 - USA Tennis

Round 2 Pick 2 - Australia Swimming
Round 3 Pick 7 - Japan Judo
Round 4 Pick 2 - Kenya Athletics
Round 5 Pick 7 - Russia Weightlifting
Round 6 Pick 2 - Germany Canoeing
Round 7 Pick 7 - Great Britain Boxing
Round 8 Pick 2 - China Taekwondoe
Round 9 Pick 7 - USA Football
Round 10 Pick 2 - Australia Field Hockey
Round 11 Pick 7 - Russia Shooting
Round 12 Pick 2 - USA Water Polo
Round 13 Pick 7 - USA Sailing
Round 14 Pick 2 - China Fencing
Round 15 Pick 7 - Australia Cycling
Round 16 Pick 2 - China Synchronized Swimming
Round 17 Pick 7 - France Equestrian
Round 18 Pick 2 - Great Britain Modern Pentathlon
Round 19 Pick 7 - France Basketball
Round 20 Pick 2 - USA Diving
Round 21 Pick 7 - Malaysia Badminton
Round 22 Pick 2 - Taiwan Archery
Round 23 Pick 7 - Germany Gymnastics
Round 24 Pick 2 - Croatia Handball
Round 25 Pick 7 - USA Rowing
Round 26 Pick 2 - South Korea Table Tennis
Round 27 Pick 7 - Bulgaria Wrestling
Round 28 Pick 2 - South Africa Triathlon
Round 29 Pick 7 - Germany Volleyball

Analysis:  USA Tennis is a steal at #7 overall.  It would not be at all surprising to see the USA take four of the five 20-point gold medals and a few lesser medals as well.  Russian weightlifting was a weak pick in round 5 and one that the Thorpes' manager certainly regrets.  This team should be at least decent, but to win it will need the Team USA women to come through with the 50 point football gold medal.

Paragons Roster

Manager:  Dave Spence

Round 1 Pick 6 - China Table Tennis

Round 2 Pick 3 - Russia Synchronized Swimming
Round 3 Pick 6 - Great Britain Sailing
Round 4 Pick 3 - Sweden Football
Round 5 Pick 6 - South Korea Handball
Round 6 Pick 3 - Netherlands Field Hockey
Round 7 Pick 6 - France Fencing
Round 8 Pick 3 - Hungary Water Polo
Round 9 Pick 6 - Lithuania Modern Pentathlon
Round 10 Pick 3 - USA Archery
Round 11 Pick 6 - Australia Triathlon
Round 12 Pick 3 - USA Shooting
Round 13 Pick 6 - Russia Basketball
Round 14 Pick 3 - Germany Rowing
Round 15 Pick 6 - Great Britain Athletics
Round 16 Pick 3 - Netherlands Equestrian
Round 17 Pick 6 - Indonesia Badminton
Round 18 Pick 3 - Spain Tennis
Round 19 Pick 6 - Belarus Weightlifting
Round 20 Pick 3 - Germany Diving
Round 21 Pick 6 - Cuba Judo
Round 22 Pick 3 - Spain Cycling
Round 23 Pick 6 - Netherlands Swimming
Round 24 Pick 3 - Mexico Taekwondo
Round 25 Pick 6 - Kazakhstan Boxing
Round 26 Pick 3 - Canada Gymnastics
Round 27 Pick 6 - Italy Volleyball
Round 28 Pick 3 - Georgia Wrestling
Round 29 Pick 6 - Great Britain Canoeing

Analysis:  This squad got off to a strong start with historically dominant programs Chinese table tennis, Russian synchronized swimiming, and British sailing.  Yet manager Dave Spence suffered a Binz-like decline in the following rounds.  Rather than picking teams that are likely to medal, in rounds 4 and 6 Spence just drafted the nationality and varsity letter of girls he had a crush on in high school.  Knowing that Spence was using this strategy makes one question his taste given his Round 13 pick.

Paragons' late round picks were strong apart from Round 29. An old axiom states that whereas an island nation is an excellent pick in sailing, one should generally avoid island nations in canoeing.  This draft was lost in the middle rounds and Paragons is a second-tier team.

Los Cornballers Roster

Manager:  Ellis Kunka

Round 1 Pick 3 - USA Athletics

Round 2 Pick 6 - Great Britain Cycling
Round 3 Pick 3 - Russia Modern Pentathlon
Round 4 Pick 6 - Cuba Boxing
Round 5 Pick 3 - Hungary Canoeing
Round 6 Pick 6 - Japan Gymnastics
Round 7 Pick 3 - Great Britain Rowing
Round 8 Pick 6 - Azerbaijan Wrestling
Round 9 Pick 3 - Russia Volleyball
Round 10 Pick 6 - Denmark Handball
Round 11 Pick 3 - New Zealand Handball
Round 12 Pick 6 - Switzerland Tennis
Round 13 Pick 3 - Australia Basketball
Round 14 Pick 6 - Japan Football
Round 15 Pick 3 - Turkey Weightlifting
Round 16 Pick 6 - Japan Table Tennis
Round 17 Pick 3 - Denmark Badminton
Round 18 Pick 6 - Italy Diving
Round 19 Pick 3 - India Archery
Round 20 Pick 6 - Turkey Taekwondo
Round 21 Pick 3 - New Zealand Equestrian
Round 22 Pick 6 - Romania Fencing
Round 23 Pick 3 - Serbia Shooting
Round 24 Pick 6 - Spain Triathlon
Round 25 Pick 3 - USA Field Hockey
Round 26 Pick 6 - Uzbekistan Judo
Round 27 Pick 3 - China Water Polo
Round 28 Pick 6 - Great Britain Synchronized Swimming
Round 29 Pick 3 - Sweden Swimming

Analysis:  A curious rebranding as "Los Cornballers" does nothing to change this squad's status as the New York Yankees of the Fantasy Olympics.  The large market/small market disparity was apparent as Cornballers manager Ellis Kunka was the only manager to bring a staff.  His assistant Rachel O'Neill is a noted expert in boxing, badminton, and everything related to the country of Azerbaijan.

At #3 overall, Cornballers made the right pick of USA Athletics.  They went by the book with historical powers in the next few rounds - though Hungary canoeing was a questionable pick with the superior German canoeing squad still on the board.  By the late rounds they started to show why everyone hates this team.  The round 23 pick was the most objectionable of the draft and cannot be discussed.  With his swimming pick, Kunka apparently took the advice of a beer commercial over the much more sage O'Neill.  Cornballers are nonetheless a strong contender in every Olympics and will remain the favorite unless and until they are dethroned.

Da Nang Dynamos Roster

Manager:  John Binz

Round 1 Pick 2 - USA Swimming

Round 2 Pick 7 - Russia Athletics
Round 3 Pick 2 - South Korea Archery
Round 4 Pick 7 - Russia Gymnastics
Round 5 Pick 2 - USA Volleyball
Round 6 Pick 7 - Iran Wrestling
Round 7 Pick 2 - Slovakia Canoeing
Round 8 Pick 7 - Spain Football
Round 9 Pick 2 - Australia Sailing
Round 10 Pick 7 - Russia Fencing
Round 11 Pick 2 - Ukraine Boxing
Round 12 Pick 7 - Germany Table Tennis
Round 13 Pick 2 - Iran Taekwondo
Round 14 Pick 7 - Australia Rowing
Round 15 Pick 2 - South Korea Judo
Round 16 Pick 7 - South Korea Weightlifting
Round 17 Pick 2 - Germany Shooting
Round 18 Pick 7 - New Zealand Cycling
Round 19 Pick 2 - Mexico Diving
Round 20 Pick 7 - Italy Modern Pentathlon
Round 21 Pick 2 - Denmark Equestrian
Round 22 Pick 7 - Spain Handball
Round 23 Pick 2 - Italy Water Polo
Round 24 Pick 7 - Portugal Triathlon
Round 25 Pick 2 - New Zealand Field Hockey
Round 26 Pick 7 - Great Britain Badminton
Round 27 Pick 2 - Egypt Synchronized Swimming
Round 28 Pick 7 - Czech Republic Tennis
Round 29 Pick 2 - Angola Basketball

Analysis:  USA swimming is the strongest team in the field and is a steal even at #2 overall.  I had them projected for 120 points with upside for more and a floor of 90.  Manager John Binz held his own early, including a strong round 5 pick with USA volleyball.  At that point this draft apparently was taken over by Dave Littlefield, as this team took a precipitous downturn in round 6 that was never really reversed.

The exclamation point was the selection of a desert country in synchronized swimming - a pick which can only be defended as a futile attempt to see Cleopatra in a bikini.  USA swimming, though, gives this squad a chance despite poor depth.

Draft A Huge Success

Once again, the Fantasy Olympics draft was an unmitigated success.  One would think that no night could live up to that historic and hallowed night of February 12, 2010, when the draft was held for the first ever Fantasy Olympiad.  But one is often wrong.  Drafting Olympic teams while watching athletes walk around in a circle on TV is one of those things you never believe you could achieve until you actually are doing it.

In a Hanukkah-like miracle, two mere cases of beer held out for the entire 4.5-hour long draft.

The superiority of our format is confirmed when comparing to this laughable excuse for an Olympic draft that I found in a Long Island newspaper.  These posers drafted nine individual athletes and three teams each, covering at most eight sports, and called it a night.  It's no wonder that most citizens of Suffolk County, New York, would rather read the label on a bottle of self-tanning lotion that this guy's column.

If you ever wondered what it would look like to tape eight Fantasy Summer Olympic rosters to a wall in Bloomfield, Pittsburgh, PA, it looks like this.

Fantasy Olympics Goddamn Hard To Prepare For

While publicly portraying an aura of confidence, Fantasy Summer Olympics coaches have recently become concerned that it is goddamn impossible to know much about all of these sports that nobody cared about for the last four years.

As compared to the Fantasy Winter Olympics, the number of sports has nearly doubled from 15 to 29.  Yet the number of sports that it is possible to correctly predict based solely on racism only increased from ten to 13.  Moreover, some coaches are afraid of key Summer Olympic elements such as kayaks and horses.

A sampling of coaches' comments:
Lucas Tanglen:  "There's no way I can prepare for this draft by tomorrow."
Brian Schwartz:  "I haven't watched the summer Olympics since Anna Lindberg was in it."  "Crap, she was in it in 2004 and 2008?  I guess I should have watched."
Christina Binz:  "I don't understand any of it."
Craig Emmert:  "Hopefully Annie will do all my research."

One might expect that a group of young American adults would know nothing about such things as mathematics or world politics.  However, the lack of women's handball knowledge in this group is frankly appalling.  There's also a nasty rumor going around that one coach, Ellis Kunka, could only name eleven of the 14 weight classes in judo.

Coach Hit With Beer Crisis

Fantasy Summer Olympics blogger/coach Brian Schwartz announced this afternoon that he has no beer and no beer money today. Anonymous sources speculated that this situation would likely ruin his plans to bring a case of PBR to the draft.

Fantasy Olympic fans are hopeful that there will be enough beer around that this doesn't present a problem. Anyone who gives Schwartz a few beers at the draft naturally would receive priority consideration to be his teammate at the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Olympics, provided synchronized swimming becomes a coed sport by that time.